2. Stray (PS5) - 18/1 (7 hrs)
Simple, unoriginal and somewhat average gameplay [5], elevated by the post-apocalyptic dystopian setting that is my favourite and some lovely atmospheric visuals and sound [+1] and the fact that you play as a beautiful cat [+1].
[7]

11. Resident Evil 3 Remake - Xbox Series S (4hrs 25mins)

I hated this for the most part. It still manages to do that typical Resi thing where certain elements threaten to win you over despite the shonky foundations, but the good is vastly outweighed by the bad here.

I always thought Resi 3 was the all-guns-blazing one (along with 5), which this definitely isn't until the final third. The whole stalking thing ruined chunks of Resi 2 for me, which saw Mr. X relentlessly popping up in front of you like Droopy from a particular cartoon my primary school always used to show during wet break (note to self: reference is too specific). I suppose the fact that the Nemesis only appears at scripted points here is an improvement, but not by much. On numerous occasions he'll burst through a wall and comically fail to kill Jill. A weak chase scene will ensue, where you'll have to run away until you find a ladder, a particularly heavy lockable door or a male character to save you. Whenever Jill takes damage from the 12ft beastie in a cut-scene (including, among numerous other fatal looking incidents, splash damage from a rocket launcher that blows her over a wall) she shakes it off by limping a little as the camera woozily swivels around before settling into the over the shoulder position and handing the reins back to the player, which is now 3D adventure parlance for 'that was a close one but off you go'. Then you'll need to slowly walk forwards again until the game decides Jill's recovered enough to jog on. One QTE requires the player to hold the left stick up for 30 seconds while you crawl into the screen. I get that this is a remake, but it's fundamentally awful as a modern game. The puzzles are just item based to-ing and fro-ing, the combat could be from any third person action game from the PS2 onwards and the limited inventory space/magic storage chest stuff is still ridiculous. I get that people like this, and existing fans want the series to play the hits (especially the remakes, of course) but the scales must have fallen from a few eyes with this effort. The dogs in this look and move like Capcom are having us on - 'lel, let's see if they notice that the Doberman models are from a cancelled PS3 remake' - and almost any enemy that isn't a slow-shuffling zombie highlights how poor the shoot & move mechanics are. The lesser-spotted lickers are disastrous too, as half of their animation frames seem to have gone missing.

A few ropey character models aside it's nice and glossy visually, hitting its marks for the most part and running very smoothly thanks to the next gen update on SS (with Ray Tracing, apparently). The voice acting/dialogue is as bad as (I assume) it's supposed to be - especially from the Keanu Reeves chap - but honestly I think its time to throw a lot of these survival horror tropes out with the bathwater and give us a more modern spin on the archaic formula. There was some discussion recently about how the Metal Gear Solid series feels so outdated now, pre V overhaul, but to me the Resident Evil games still feel like they're waiting for that proper reinvention. Something where the player can climb over waist-high obstacles, perhaps. Or isn't totally invulnerable during a lockpicking sequence. Or can't find locker codes on nearby notice boards, or safe codes in suicide notes. Or even (shock survival horror) finds a way to explain why getting your neck munched by umpteen zombies never infects the player character. Maybe green herbs were the cure all along? I played Village last year, and it was good, but despite the recent shift to a first person view it still felt like the the same old same old to me. It defines the genre to an extent, but the 'not enough room to swing a cat' feeling the franchise leans on gets on my tits, and it's particularly prevalent in 3.

The pretty graphics and occasional decent sections can't disguise the fact that it's a bad game with a bad story, poor puzzles, irritating chase sequences, crap aim-for-the-head shooting and a general hangover from an era that's been left behind by most other major ongoing videogame franchises. [5]

Definitely the worst RE I've played and probably not worth the £8.24 I paid.

13. S.N.I.P.E.R: Hunter Scope - Switch (135mins)

Occasionally I succumb to fomo when it comes to missing out on a deal, and grab something on my watch list a few hours before it goes back up to full price. This has been on there for a couple of years, during which time it's been in and out of sales constantly, yet I've never pulled the trigger. I finally bit the high caliber bullet and nabbed it for 89p a few days ago. Polite notice: do not pay £12.99 for this. Additional: it's not bad though, so maybe give it a whirl for 89p.

I miss lightgun games and occasionally play gyro style indie imitations (Blue Estate on PS4, for example). It's an upsetting substitute, but it can work quite well. The best way to play this one is with split JoyCons. The left one handles gyro aiming, reticle reset (which of course you'll need to use loads, annoyingly), and the optional scope for sniper stages. The right one is used for your trigger/reload/items. I'd like to try one of those gun holder things at some point; I should pick one up really as it might be a good fit for this.

I can't really say this is a good game, because it falls a fair way short for a few reasons, but it is immensely satisfying to pop heads when you're in the groove. Stages are all rails based and split into three types: Sniper (good), Virtua Cop style (good) and cover-based Time Crisis efforts (fucking atrocious, because the cover system doesn't seem to work). You'll have to survive for a certain amount of time in each as they loop around through a randomised succession of pre-set segments. I still haven't worked out what the 'take a breather' button does, because it doesn't give you back any health, but you also have access to limited use power-ups like flashbangs, bullet time, night vision goggles and so on. The response time on everything feels ever so slightly delayed though, which you'll learn to adjust to put up with.

It's all pretty lightweight/knockabout, despite the fatal snipering element, highlighted by the fact that each level begins with a 3,2,1, FIGHT! countdown. Even Geometric Sniper tried to tell you that shooting people in the head is bad, so don't expect anything but interactive get some!/hoo-ar! here. Unfortunately, like a lot of these mobile port games (I'm guessing tbf, but it definitely has that vibe) it's grind to win, rather than win to progress, hence me not finishing it before ditching it to review. I've unlocked and completed 11 of (iirc) 16 stages, but the progression/unlock system is entirely dependent on total points and slows to a crawl the further you get in the game. I'd need 100,000 points to access the last level, for example (I currently have 40,000), and much as I enjoyed most of my time with this I'm not spending another 4hrs grinding previously defeated stages. Still, for 89p it's absolutely fine for an hour or three. The combo system is broken, as a lot of stages don't allow you to keep a meaningful chain going between enemy waves, and the whole score/multiplier element feels like minimal amount of effort went into the specifics, but it's an okay game for what it is, and more pertinently, how much it might cost you if you bide your time. They don't tend to make 'em like this any more, but I still like to play stuff like this from time to time. [6]

It also has a smashingly in-depth stat screen, if that sort of thing floats your boat. Unsurprisingly, there don't seem to be any gifs for this so here's a trailer.



One more smol game on the to-do list to finish, then I'm going full Fire Emblem: Engage moran.

Looking at this now. Tempted to make it my first Switch eshop purchase.
50p less on Steam but the Switch is easier to plug into the TV.

There is an Atari VCS version

Yeah I nearly gave up there.  Pay for double health before you start the stage and muddle through by just lining up head shots and blasting.  Reload whenever your character moves.  Don't bother to take cover manually.  Worst stage in the game (although there's a near-enough identical one later).  If you make it to the machine gun turret with 30 health or higher you should be okay.

Done. Haven't got past the 2nd screen yet after 3 attempts.

It's great.

To my surprise I'm actually fairly on track with this so far.

17. Orbital Bullet - Switch (5-6hrs)

Absolutely done with this, and I'm seething. For two reasons: 1. The port is atrocious. At least I'm 90% sure the port is at fault here (if not, why would anyone want to play an approximation of a PS1 game in 2023 that actually runs like it might on a genuine PS1?). 2. I didn't finish it, partly because of my previous point, and partly because during my most fruitful run my wife asked me to get something out of a wardrobe next to the monitor I was playing on and I stupidly forgot to pause, then I realised I'd been standing in lava in the game for maybe 10 seconds, which had drained my health to the absolute minimum, requiring the use of a precious health pack. I managed to recover and continue with my good run - and even apologised for my mini tantrum - then the final boss killed me with a slither of its own health left. But aha, I knew I was about to merk him because I'd unlocked the resurrection perk prior to that run, which would bring me back from the brink with 20% health, he'd be finished in 2-3 seconds at the rate I was annihilating him, roll credits. Except it turns out I must've used it when I was standing in the lava during the fucking wardrobe incident. Fuming. Actually there are more than two reasons why I'm done with it/didn't finish it/am seething, but I can't be bothered to rewrite the first half of this paragraph. I decided to take my lumps and start another run (after spending my saved credits on more permaboosts), then took the same path again in an attempt to reach the final boss. I proceeded to smash it, and was doing even better than I had on my previous go (I even had two health packs left by the start of the third planet). Then out of the blue an autojump between floors glitched. The character hit his head during what should have been an automatic floor switch and run was fucked. No way out, stuck on a cleared floor while enemies blasted at nothing above me. More silent incandescent rage, followed by some aimless circling just to make triple sure I really was stuck. I realised the game saves at the beginning of each world, so I managed to reload it and carry on from the start of the planet (Talos, in case anyone's wondering). Then it happened again, in the same place, and as the layout was identical I assume the randomiser just shat the bed and locked me into a good old no-win procgen ballsup. Anger had gone from slow-cook to simmer at this point; I was literally shaking my head in disgust, and probably even tutted a few times. 25 years ago I probably would've walloped the wall with the pad. I still had the house to myself for another 45mins or so as the girls had gone swimming during my glitched run, so because the game was becoming easier every time I died (to the point where permanent upgrades I'd unlocked had pushed it as close to 'a breeze' in terms of difficulty as any roguelike I've played) I decided to close the software completely, reload and have another go, because the final boss was still begging to be taken out. I chose the same route, was doing fairly well, noted the different layout for Talos and thought to myself 'surely it won't happen again', then of course seconds later it happened again. The character bomped its head on an invisible barrier while making an auto transition between floors, leaving me on a cleared floor that was glitched into acting like an active floor (i.e. manual teleporting between floors was blocked). Which was the point where I decided to bin it.

In places it drops to maybe 15fps on Switch, and stutters to the point of ignoring jump inputs when it's having a wobble. The performance at the start of one planet is particularly outrageous. I can't deny this is a fun game once you get in the rhythm, in spite of its performance issues, but when there's an ever-looming risk of another bug crushing a 25 minute run it can fuck off for good imo.

It does some good things. The gameplay loop is decent. I can't deny I was addicted, but it's not a patch on Resogun, or a couple of other wrap around shooters, and really could have been a lot better. [6] for the game if you play the version I assume the devs put effort into, [4] on Switch because I don't see how I could justify anything higher. The port is so muddy and low res compared to the PC footage I've seen on YouTube it should be running at an unwavering 60fps from start to finish, yet it never seems to get anywhere remotely close once it gets going. I think the most annoying thing is that I might give it another go tonight, and just take a different route to avoid the offending planet, but I shouldn't have to and I shouldn't want to. I'm probably equipped to crush it though, as I've levelled up further, plus I'm only missing two boss keys to find out what's behind The Secret Door. Welp. It wasn't a typical Moot cheapo either, £10.79 even after the discount. I said it in another thread: I bet a skilled programmer could get this running fairly smoothly on OG Playstation hardware with miminal trimming of the minimal bells and whistles. The port is a disgrace and so are the reviews that don't highlight the fact that it runs like shit on Nintendo's geriatric HW. I can't even be bothered to explain what's good about the game when it's properly strutting its stuff. Feel my pain, @Jonb.

So disappointing. There's a safe but enjoyable game in there otherwise - very 'one more go' (as proven by the fact that I still half fancy another go - the long shot sniping is great). Plus it's nice to have a roguelike that feels bitesize in comparison to the time sinks. It's the same whether you play docked or undocked too.

Most Switch reviews I read really don't go into much detail on performance - been that way for a while and there's so many awful games, performance-wise, on that system. At this point you have to assume that a lot of games will run badly.

Sorry man, that’s rough.

5. God of War: Ragnarok - PS5 - 34hrs 18mins - hack and slash through the 9 realms in this sequel to one of my favourite PS4 games. Is it as good? No. The gameplay is there, it’s looks fantastic and it’s definitely at least a triple A game. But it suffers the sequel problem of bloat. Too much fetch questing, especially in the latter half of the game where you get to your goal to just go somewhere else while your companions rattle out tales that you don’t pay attention to. Having said all that the end game was a very satisfying experience with some fun final fights and a nice way to handle post-story side quest progression, though I think it’ll be a while before I go back. [8]

18. Swordship - Switch (2hrs)

The most important thing to know about this one is that it's a small but perfectly formed score chaser. Do not buy this if you expect you'd feel short changed by seeing pretty much everything it has to offer within a couple of hours. Much like the similarly excellent Donut Dodo the real hook is the leaderboard, coupled with the dangling carrot of skill improvement while chasing success. Both games can be successfully finished (in terms of having a set end point, rather than the open ended approach of some arcade style games), and both can be finished fairly quickly, but neither is intended as a one and done experience. It's a well worn adage that the real game starts once the credits roll. Except it doesn't - the real game starts from the moment you first play it, but I'm sure you catch my drift.

Most of us have played games where you can manipulate enemies into shooting each other. Flashback and El Viento spring to mind for me, and of course DOOM (although I had the 32X version where the demons never got vexed with one another because they couldn't turn around). I don't think I've played one where the fake out 'cooee, here I am!' targeting/slipping aside is the crux of the whole vibe though. Your sword hovercraft sub-ship thingy isn't equipped with the necessary cannons/lasers for shumpping (or a sword, surprisingly) so you need to position it in a way that tricks enemies into friendly fire. The controls are simple, with the the analogue movement being particularly pitch perfect, but the real secret sauce is the dive move, where you can submerge for a few seconds of total invulnerability while keeping full maneuverability. Make no mistake, this is no damp squid weak sauce iframe window; it's essential for the dodge 'em up gameplay loop and you can remain underwater for quite a while (with a brief cooldown when you come up for more baking soda, to avoid spamming). Oh, and the terrific audio muffles while you're submerged too, adding a subtle chef's kiss. In a nutshell, you'll be hurtling down the screen avoiding baddies/cheekily causing them to do your bidding while grabbing containers which appear intermittently. Once a certain number have been nabbed or missed, the stage ends (assuming you don't take a hit, as one hit always kills). You start with a single life and have to pay for more between stages with precious cargo. There's no point in explaining the intricacies here because picking it up on the fly is part of the initial appeal.

There are only three sets of stages before the end boss appears. Depending on the selected difficulty (only beginner is available from the off) there might be extra containers to grab per stage, but even on expert mode it's a short game, assuming you've got the skills to see it out. I think my limit will be normal mode, but I'm not going to move on until I've killed the last boss at least once (there's a flee option after its first phase, which I've had to take every time so far as I found my life reserves dwindling fast).

It's a banging game, and might make my goty list for 2022. I'll have to have a think. If it was ever so slightly cheaper it'd be a [9], but for £16.99 (with an extra 30% off for the rest of the month) and considering that the leaderboard appears to be borked on Switch, I think a super strong [8] is a better fit. I looks fantastic and runs perfectly too - even the dynamic camera that highlights big moments didn't annoy me, but if it did the option is there to disable it anyway. Great shout @tin_robot. I know Eurogamer gets a bad rep in certain quarters but I like the fact that they seem to back their reviewers to go big if they're playing a game they love - it's nice to see something like this pick up an Essential rec, and I can see why a certain type of player might consider it worthy of top marks.

I’ll wait for a sale on sword ship.

Nope…