115.  Garlic - Switch (7hrs 15mins)

'A platformer spoofing your favourite genre classics', says the blurb.  It's so much more than that though - it's a retro flavoured 2D platformer that aims to rub shoulders with the very best in class and doesn't embarrass itself by falling too far short.  Yes, there's comedy and pastiche in there, but don't mistake this for a gimmicky copycat - it's an almost fully legit jumpmans that's up there, at times, with the Meat Boys and Celestes of this world in terms of taut, meticulously crafted obstacle courses.  Controls are fairly loose for a precision platformer, which sounds like a blot on its copybook but it generally works very well.  Along with the standard jump and directional fling moves, Garlic can also become a kind of haphazard wrecking ball and ricochet between surfaces.  I've seen this compared to pinball in reviews, but that implies slightly less control than you actually get - you can use it with calculated purpose, but only the truly elite players will rely on it regularly.  I'd imagine it's rife on speedruns as it feels like it might help gifted players crack the game wide open, but for mere mortals it lies somewhere between a manageable risk and and taking LSD near a rooftop in the 90s.  I loved the weight and inertia of the main character, but it also struck me as something that might feel very wrong to some players - good as it is, it's got a Marmite streak a mile wide.   

I like anything like that though - Bovril, Vegimite, Marmite - they're all very much my jam when it comes to toast toppings. Ergo I absolutely hammered this and finished it in two days.  It starts breezy enough, as these things often do, but by the end game the difficulty ramps up shamelessly.  I considered tapping out of the post-credits checkpointless stage, and probably would have if a cheeky look at YouTube hadn't revealed that I was only two screens away from the end end.  I got there eventually.  There's always a sense of satisfaction to successfully negotiating a tricky platform section, but unfortunately the same can't be said of the bosses.  They're not ruinous, but they're almost universally a bit shit, and despite the fact that I'm a boss man (which my local newsagents seem to be aware of) they had a mare with the mayors and I could have done without them completely.  In terms of the main course, it's tough, but the energy system gives scrub-tier players such as myself a certain amount of leeway to break the system.  The stages are filled with instadeath hazards (flames, spikes) and objects that essentially just break your shield for a few seconds (which removes the ability to dash during the recharge).  Taking a hit can be gamed slightly, which means that blootering through is a viable option for those with the lilyest of livers (hello).

Complaints: Occasionally the dash didn't behave quite as expected, which resulted in trading hits with enemies I expected to tag without clapback, often with a quizzical eyebrow raised and/or muttered swearing.  Some of attempts to mix things up backfire, particularly a late game stage where a bouncing guardian is sort of chasing you - I got through with more luck than judgement.  In another universe I'm probably still stuck there now.  There's also a bug in the Switch version which very nearly scuppered my chances of progression completely  - I'm amazed that playtesting didn't pick up on this, but the (spoiler alert) bubbles that pop up in one of the stages burst before you can use them if you've already died anywhere in the stage.  I triple checked YouTube after tearing my hair out for half an hour, and every full game video (from the admittedly not many available) shows the bubbles forming properly and floating upwards, rather than bursting pathetically just as they reach full size.  I forced it with a mixture of software closing and extreme risk taking with shortcuts, and thankfully that particular mechanic never resurfaced, but it's kinda fucked that the game's available with this kind of glitch slap bang in the middle of the only route to the credits.  Maybe this won't happen to everyone, but it happened to me and nearly killed the game completely.  Anyway, my sigh of relief was massive as I doubt I would have restarted the whole thing any time soon because I would have been sulking too hard to look at it.

The good vastly outweighs the bad on the whole though.  Most of the frustration is good frustration, and the bulk of the game is so satisfying any residual badwill from the weaker sections doesn't linger long.  It's maybe a little bit overly skewed towards speedrunning as rapid perfection occasionally feels like the path of least resistance for progression (the bosses especially need to be Leeroyed before they get a chance to be too annoying).  It must be nigh-on impossible to get that balance absolutely spot on with something like this though.  I would have preferred it if the scramble button (for steadier wallclimbing) was assigned to something other than the dash button, but I can't grumble too much as there's a good chance it can be remapped in the menus and I didn't bother looking.

I think it's my game of the (actual) year so far?  I may have given other new releases higher marks, I can't be expected to remember such trivialities, but even so this would place higher on my HOW MUCH DID I LOVE IT chart.  I really fucking loved this, warts and all, and I'm very pleased with myself for smashing through with such vulgar display of l33t skillage.  The full completion time's up the top there @Acemuzzy (good ending, post-game clocked - I left it on pause for ages at one point too innit).  Your move.  You might not love it as much as me but you have to try it.  I forgot to shoehorn my breath of fresh air garlic pun in so better late than never.  [8]



How can a game this good not have any gifs on Google??

17. FF-16 - Too Many Hours - 7/10 - PS5

Finished this last night and don’t really know what to think. I liked the combat but there wasn’t a single time I felt in danger and never saw the game over screen. Did a few side quests until I realised they were all entirely hollow and rewarded you with very little, but maybe I didn’t do the right ones. The HUD is ugly and bits of it you can’t remove. Why after 2 hours do I need a constant reminder how to open the local map…for it to be there constantly after 50 hours drive me nuts. I quite liked the story until it just got far too much. Stunning in places but so very ugly in others. I actually fell asleep after the final, final…final battle as I was that tired of the same shite over and over again and woke up during the credits so will have to look up the end scenes. The boss fights would have been good if they’d have been half as long, but they just go on and on and on, it’s a wonder I finished it.

Even with all this I quite enjoyed it, but Christ it was full of crap.

And FF is still such a nonces dream in terms of character design.

7/10

yourfavouriteuncle wrote:

Not On Normal Communal Exercise.

I learnt that just this last week. From Wakefield prison apparently.

Tis true aswell. All our vulnerable’s and Sex Offenders walk counter clockwise, opposite to every other type. It’s weird, but true.

yourfavouriteuncle wrote:

Ha! I forgot you’d be the guy to know this stuff. My Dad started at Wakefield. Only screw Bronson would deal with during that time apparently.

Loved Wakefield Prison. Fascinating place. What does your father do now? Bet he has some real stories. Got a lecturer that does a lot of work in our prison that worked closely with Bronson your dad will probably know, you’ll have to ask him if he knows a John Khastor? Bronson did some artwork for him when he said he was leaving!

117. The Pinball Wizard - Switch (1hr)

Adventure pinball game that rolls with a similar budget energy to Rollers of the Realm, albeit without the endless text. Or lengthy-ish adventure. The enjoyable main tower mode was done in about an hour, which is actually fine considering the £1.79 I paid for it.

There's not much to this really - if you fancy a pinball game where the ball is actually a wizard (and there's no direct control outside of timing the direction of abilities, so he's essentially still a ball with a pointy hat and a couple of tricks up his sleeves) then this might be a cheapo for you. Enemies must be killed to reveal keys to open the route to the next stage, and abilities such as a dash/fireballs and a smattering of passive perks rack up as you gain experience and level up. So the more you play the easier it gets really, especially as you can continue from whichever of the 21 small floors you've unlocked that you fancy.

There's even a boss at the very end which isn't bad. It could've done with a few more stages (three times as many wouldn't have hurt) and a couple of extra big beasties, but as it stands this is absolutely fine for what it is. There are other modes (daily challenge, endless dungeon) and leaderboards iirc, but I won't bother with any of them as I've already uninstalled it. This scratched an itch though, and the graphics are surprisingly quite nice for a game that seems to live at 75% off. Aside from the length it's pretty much what I expected when I bought it. [6]

Always had a soft spot for that one. Chaos is where I fell off the 8-Bit entries.

Yep.

122. Sonic Chaos - Master System (35mins)

Master System version, because I'm not completely crazy.  I know the Game Gear has its fans, but it's literally a terrible fit for Sonic imo.  Who wants to play a Sonic game that's cropped like this?



It's like trying to play with binoculars on and it just won't do.  The MS version is actually reasonably impressive 8-bit Sonic.  It's not got the difficulty problems of no.2 for a start, and the levels are quite nicely designed with minimal leap-of-faith-ahaha-you-died stuff (provided you don't stray too close to the bottom layer of the map).  Other than the second boss it's offensively easy and very short, so it's not a vintage effort, but for a retro runthrough this wasn't half bad at all, which surprised me as I was under the impression the 8-bit entries dropped off a cliff after the first sequel.  I think I played one of the others a few years back but this didn't ring any bells so maybe it was Triple Trouble.  Anyway, other than the absolute pisstake this must have represented in terms of VFM it's a fun little escapade and ran just about well enough for me to give it the thumbs up.  Be warned, it does slow down a touch whenever you jump though :eyes:. Music is plinky bobbins for the most part, which is a shame.  Overall it's better than No.2 imo, even though it wouldn't have offered much more than an afternoon's entertainment really. 77%

IIRC, isn’t Chaos one of those ones where the ROM is actually identical across the Master System and Game Gear versions?

I might be talking bollocks actually as it seems 1, 2 and Chaos have differences across MS and GG.

I think Castle of Illusion was tweaked - that's one of the few GG games I played on the hardware. The buttons were remapped anyway. Pressing jump twice to bum bounce was WRONG.

I got the bad ending.

The Mega CD Terminator game is meant to be good if you’ve never tried that.

Was it yourself recommending Huntdown to me? Down to £3.34 in the latest weekly Xbox discounts.

It's worth it anyway, but rude not to at that price.