Dr. Oetker Pepperoni Pizza

One thing that needs to be clarified: Oetker, clearly, is not a doctor. He's a charlatan, probably walking around clubs with his doctored ID, getting the gash by the bucket load whilst convincing women that you can safely perform heart surgery with a Bosch cordless drill. If he was a doctor (he isn't) then he'd have included some Rennies in the packaging (a dream marketing opportunity). Honestly, its given me heartburn akin to a thousand suns exploding at once.

Anyway, the pizza itself. Upon the box, you'll find a tempting, nicely cooked pizza (not real, idiot, its a picture!) with a slice being 'held' (the fork is actually just there, for no reason, while a slice of the grub FUCKING FLOATS. SERIOUSLY.) on the end of it. There's a load of pepperoni, and some green stuff no-one cares about.

Anyway, I warmed my deluxe custom oven up (its got a fan in it mate, fuck you) to 220°. Sliding the pizza out of its alluring packaging, I ripped the plastic off it, and there it was, rock hard, frozen, a frisbee of taste delight. I banged it in, and waited 10-12 minutes, allegedly, but it seems I didn't quite leave it in long enough, as upon slipping it out seductively the base wobbled like that bridge in black and white America. I cut it into four (eleven years I've had my pizza slicer, trooper it is), and sat down to dine.

Now, the texture is enjoyable, a thin layer of tomato and cheese, and copious amounts of pepperoni/salami/whatever. Chewing it was easy, which is a prerequisite due to my unbelievable laziness. I do believe that if you just let it sit in your gob for an easy thirty minutes, it'd dissolve on its own! A positive mark for crack addicts who've rotten their gnashers away with the drug, and the habitual mouth rape.

However! It cooled quicker than expected, and by the fourth slice it was generally a mashup of grease and cold and horrificness, and for that,  I felt sorely disappointed by my £1 purchase.

In summary:

Despite the initial belief that this may heal one, or all of my physical problems, it did not, and for that it loses a mark due to false advertising. He should replace the 'Dr' with 'Dave', much more honest. In fact, it probably does more harm than good, what with my stomach currently howling a wretched chorus.

It did fill a hole in my gut, and for that it did its job, so if you want to 'enjoy' a cheap, slightly greasy meal that is cooked quickly and efficiently (seriously, don't mess the time up like me, you basically have a window of three minutes between the eleven and fourteen minute mark to get your pizza just right. Too soon it'll be like eating a limp dick made of slush, too late and you may as well throw it at a local chav for kicks), and care not for your actual health, then this is a MUST BUY.

[7]

They do chicken, on a pizza?

I'm all for radical ideas, I'll give it a crack.

Can we get DS on Masterchef?

Good man. That's the way to do it.

Boredom with the place I used to post like this on. Kinda hectic doing it on two places, so generally kept it there.

That, and I'm happily writing again as part of my leisure time.

Kudos on the avatar.

Nick wrote:

It's got one and a half scotch bonnets in it, and a big glug of HOLY FUCK in it.

Which is made of ghost chillis. It's a spicy one.

Is the holy fuck sauce good? Was at street feast again last week and almost got some, didn't have much cash left though and beer seemed like a better idea.

I am skint and poor and shit at cooking so I made some macaroni and then stirred in the last of my Light Philadelphia then tore up the remainder of the wafer thin chicken from my lunch today in work into it then put it into a bowl, grated some cheese on it then microwaved it for a minute to melt said cheese. It was great, and I've enough to take in for tomorrows lunch! Money buying Greggs saved! Result!

That and was meant to be in italics. Somebody fix it.

Best of the supermarket choc but still very ordinary on the whole.  Proper dark choc is indeed good for you.

I know it's not that high in cocoa content - I usually eat the 75-80% stuff - but I've never seen dark chocolate encrusted with sea salt before - found it in Finland.  It's an interesting experience.

When I was a kid, you could buy 'joke' sweets to trick your school chums which were sweet on the outside then salty in the middle.

weadre wrote:

It's got one and a half scotch bonnets in it, and a big glug of HOLY FUCK in it. Which is made of ghost chillis. It's a spicy one.

Is the holy fuck sauce good? Was at street feast again last week and almost got some, didn't have much cash left though and beer seemed like a better idea.

Yes, it is good. Maybe the best hot sauce I've ever eaten. It has the disarming grace to give you a  powerful rush of deep fruity flavours, whilst it grips your throat like an anaconda on fire. It's deeply satisfying, but will fuck you up both at the point of consumption, and when it performs its encore from deep inside your belly. Make sure you're not on any long journeys the following day.

Going to Street Feast again tonight, what did you sample there?

Nick when is Street Feast? I have a mate who now lives in Greenwich so it is quite likely i'll be able to nip down quite easily in the future.