83. Battle Princess Madelyn: Royal Edition - Switch (2hrs)

In the end I refused to let this get the better of me as I'd effectively paid for it twice, even though the total spend was around a fiver.  Non essential back-story:  I bought Battle Princess Madelyn for £3.37 a few years ago, even though I knew it was supposed to be a bit shit, as I fancied its separate left to right arcade mode (the Metroidvania main game was a mess, apparently).  Turns out I didn't like it.  Then a deluxe/rejigged edition appeared, which I foolishly grabbed when it dropped to an even lower price, just in case.  It does away with the 'vania trappings entirely and doubles down on the arcade thrills.  I tried it and still hated it.  

Fast forward to Tuesday night.  I thought I'd give it one more chance before binning it forever, and I managed to get going with it at long last.  It's a Ghouls 'n Ghosts clone that harkens back to a bygone era and thinks it's beautiful but actually isn't, like a playable Katie 'Jordan' Price.  I'm not sure what it is about the look that doesn't hit the spot but it's a swing and a miss for me.  The first couple of stages are pretty tough, after that I don't know whether I found my groove or the rest of the game was a pushover but I managed to get through at least half of the subsequent stages without continuing.  The bosses are abysmal.  Some of them only have three attack patterns that take 30 seconds to work out, and after that there's no reason to get hit, so the only consideration is the infuriating ticking clock (yes, it has an instant Game Over countdown, everyone loves them).  There aren't any pre-boss (or even mid-level) checkpoints but that's no excuse to make the guardians this pathetic.  It's one of the strangest difficulty curves I've ever encountered - an initial toughness that quickly subsides, one-shot easy for ages, evil bastard final boss.  It's clearly been designed as a love letter to a particular game, but one that doesn't appear to have been written with a dominant hand and was posted to the wrong address.  Essential considerations such as 'can the player avoid this attack?' don't appear to have been discussed in certain instances (evil last boss, I'm looking at you), and the majority of the stages struck me as slapdash copycat cringe.  I can't believe this is the refined version of a game that was already supposedly finished.  

Admittedly I had fun in places as it still managed to feel like GnG thanks to the near identical template, but played on a recorder in a way that makes you wonder if the whole thing's a parody.  Cursed Castilla EX is more Goblins than Ghouls, but also a far better bet if you're looking for an homage.  I might have to check out the recent reboot as a palate cleanser.   [4] 



And don't let the gif fool you, it's the worst downward plunge in recent memory.

I mean dragon punch

You love to see it

84. Space Jam: A New Legacy - Xbox One S (45mins)

Not quite sure the backstory to this one.  It's a free game based on a film I didn't know existed until I heard about the game, which is a sequel to a famous 90s film I haven't seen.  It's a brief and very simplistic scrolling beat 'em up with chunky 1992 arcade visuals and an ultra basic moveset that wouldn't have passed muster (or cut mustard) at any point since '89.  As a two player game it's just about playable - Tilly enjoyed herself as Lola Bunny - but that's more thanks to the braindead charm of the genre than anything the game does particularly well.  Probably worse than the majority of mid-tier 16-bit scrups.  [3]



Obviously a budget title but another game that makes me think Battletoads 2020 got a bum deal from many.  Some of the minigames were disastrous but it was eager to please and the fight system wasn't half bad.  It's all moot after SOR4 though, I guess.

There are worse ways to spend three quarters of an hour.  Scrolling beat 'em ups aren't everyone's cup of tea but I'm happy enough playing the bad ones tbh.  You only get three lives but you can keep continuing by mashing the X button for an extra go once they run out.

Hmmm

21. Ace Combat 7: Skies Unknown (PS4) - 35hrs

Standard AC stuff here, which is perfectly fine with me.

Loses 1 point for being quite grind heavy when it comes to unlocking parts and new aircrafts, which unfortunately are pretty much a requirement for later levels.

Still, when your in a dog fight, the adrenaline is pumping and your head is tilted to half past 7 there's nothing quite like it.

7/10

My list

30: Arkanoid DS (DS) 5/10

This is quite a pissweak version of Arkanoid.  Luckily Arkanoid is pretty cool and can only be so bad.  It has 2 issues those being
1: it runs at 30fps which makes it hard to follow the ball when things get hectic
2: it uses both screens on the DS; your paddle is on the bottom, the bricks are on the top screen.  Of course there is a gap between the 2 screens, and when the ball’s travelling between them you can’t tell where exactly it is!  It’s a pretty bloody big gap.  The DS systems seemed to turn normal studios into lunatics who came up with horrible ideas that ruined games quite often.

31: Gears 5 (PC) 8/10
32: Gears Hivebusters (PC) 7/10


I was worried about Gears 5 as it seems a little too over egged.  You now have a robot pal who opens doors and shit like that and also helps in battle. You can mostly ignore him.  I did.  It also has a little open world stuff.  Thankfully your waterworld style craft is fun to drive and there’s not much essential buggering around.  It just ended up being an enjoyable brief break between fights really.  

Great loooking game, some nice locations to blow shit up in and see monsters explode.  The fighting is still fun.  I quite liked the story and characters this time, even if it does do the old ‘pick which of these 2 bad things will happen’ which I think was played out a decade ago wasn’t it?  Just has no effect anymore in any case.

Hivebusters was more of the same but with a little less bombast and 3 new characters who I didn’t care about until the game was almost over.  Solid fun though.

I remember being quite excited to 'try' Arkanoid DS on my flash cart because I loved the arcade game as a kid. 10 minutes in I was glad I didn't pay money for it, put it that way.

Questor wrote:

I remember being quite excited to 'try' Arkanoid DS on my flash cart because I loved the arcade game as a kid. 10 minutes in I was glad I didn't pay money for it, put it that way.

Found it in the local second hand shop for $3 and my eyes lit up, thought it was a steal at that price.  Turns out I was the one getting fleeced lol

87. Ghosts 'n Goblins (Switch, 1hr)

Another game I've dabbled with, having probably played the opening level a dozen or so times over the years, but never one I'd seen through.  I've got some Ghouls stripes: I've managed to finish the excellent Master System port, the strong MD effort and the insanely difficult Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts port on GBA on the respective host hardware, but (the superb) Ultimate on PSP is my only proper Goblins time.  

I knew this would be tough, although going into it foolishly considering myself half decent at these I wasn't expecting it to be quite so hideously brutal.  There were parts of it that had me alternating between the handy rewind button and rubbing my face in dismay.  The flying demons of Demon's Crest fame are an absolute nightmare, and the bigger ones that eventually appear as guardians just cube the annoyance factor.  How the hell anyone can do this with the proper checkpoints (I think there's one per stage maybe?) I'll never know.  I'm convinced that there's no way I ever could have done it, even back when I got a handful of games a year and the philosophy was git gud or cry trying.  

I didn't hate it - I love the template and crave nostalgia ticklers that mimic it - but it's disgustingly tough and I think with the benefit of hindsight it's just too much for me to endorse this as a classic.  Having to do a harder version of it all again after the final boss (which I didn't do, full disclosure fuck that) is beyond a kick in the teeth too; it practically stomps them clean through the back of your head then laughs in your face cavity.  The ticking clock is equally harsh and the residual feeling is one of partial hatred, tbh.  There's a bit where you go up a ladder in the sixth level and there are two of the nastier beasties on either side, so the best tactic seems to be to suffer a hit then grab replacement armour further up the stage.  

Verdict: Laid the groundwork but not up to the standards of whichever game gets officially described as its sequel.  I don't think I would have plopped too much money into this as a kid because there's only so much Level One a boy can take.  Will watch an expert run because I'm intrigued, but this is easily one of the most horrifically difficult games I've ever played.

Which ROM revision do you mean?  Whichever the default is is on the Capcom Arcade Stadium, will check.

Moot_Geeza wrote:

Which ROM revision do you mean?  Whichever the default is is on the Capcom Arcade Stadium, will check.

Na, just meant Arcade or NES etc.

11. Horizon: Zero Dawn - PS5 - 30 hours - 8/10
After bouncing off this twice I finally decided to give a proper chance and I’m glad I did. The world, setting and main story are very well realised, supported by some stunning art design and graphics. The frame rate bump on PS5 also improved the experience of the last third of the game. The story, told as usual in little snippets of journals and voice logs slowly reveals what happened to mankind, with a slightly different take on the apocalypse that I enjoyed and the ending was suitably satisfying while leaving enough mystery to make me want to play the sequel.

The main negatives for me included; far too many things on the map and weak side quests mainly due to the  character animation, probably the biggest weakness in the game. I was able to get to the endgame with only a bit of grinding as I’d arrived at the end about 6 levels too low, but went and explored some unknown areas of the map, which was reasonably fun.

A good, solid, open world third person game that the sequel hopefully improves on.

89. Below - Xbox Series S (12hrs)

Disclaimer: unfinished due to progress scuppering bug.    

Stunningly beautiful, oblique roguelike exploration adventure that doesn't have the gameplay chops to back up the glorious aesthetic.  I think it's fair to say that I wanted to like this more than it deserves - it's unlikely I'd suffer the pretty one-note (and slightly sloppy) combat in many other games, but this is tantalisingly close to being extra special.  At some point in development it must have been shaping up to be astonishingly good, but mistakes were made - mistakes that have only been partially rectified post launch.  It launched on Gamepass in late 2018 and promptly dropped off the service, but not before the majority of players that tried it bounced hard.  You can tell it's an unloved game on the whole due to the achievement stats that pop up (I stumbled on an obvious item early on that only a small percentage of players had found).  When the game was ported to PS4 it arrived with an additional Explore Mode with the OG experience relabeled Survive Mode, and a free patch was offered elsewhere.  A few websites reevaluated the updated package and unanimously decided that the new mode should have been in from the start as the minor tweaks offered major quality of life boosts.  Quite how anyone had the patience to play this to completion in its original form is beyond me, and I doff my cap with sincerity.  

The thing is though....Explore Mode still falls well short of what the framework around the mechanics deserves.  It's one of the best looking games I've ever clapped eyes on and the impenetrably mysterious location is absolutely sublime.  The music drips in and out as you attempt to learn what the game requires of you (no handy tutorials or signposts here - just about your only clue in terms of direction is the title itself) and if you're anything like me you may find yourself being duped into full addiction.  I was thinking about this while I wasn't playing.  I was urging others to buy it (successfully in some cases, soz).  I was playing for mammoth 2hr sessions in the evenings after repeatedly bagsying the TV, relegating the wife to the bedroom to watch Netflix on her phone.  I was keeping anyone who'd listen abreast of my progress, or lack of, in the Currently Playing thread.  I even started listening to the music at work (Progression is a superb track).  Then Silke warned me of the impending and much derided darkness segments.  At that point I was still confident they wouldn't be able to buck me off as I had plans to ride this pony into the sunset, but they very nearly did.  They're brutal, and they hammer home all of the control deficiencies I'd been willing to overlook up to that point.  Plus the majority of the brutality is caused by poor design rather than the game giving you a fair go and emerging victorious.  I used the word numerous times when I was melting down elsewhere, but those sections are hideous.  It was at this point I thought of an analogy that I've not been able to shake, so here it is in all its nonsense: it reminded me of a guy that started getting my train who I ended up getting pretty chatty with.  Seemed like a decent bloke, had a few laughs, lots of music chat, got quite pally over the course of maybe a month, plans to grab a beer were made.  A new friend appears!  Then BAM, it turned out he was a racist.  The darkness sections in this are that level of rug pull after a positive start.  /end analogy, insert Gob gif.

I've wasted too much time on this already.  My entire time with it could be considered wasted in fairness, it certainly smarts that I had to watch the last hour on Youtube after the ridiculous oversight which led to me being stuck in a cave forever.  The thing is though, I've still got a ton of things to say, so I clearly don't know how to hate it.  Believe it or not, in spite of everything, I'm glad I played it.  I could call it a hodgepodge of this and that, but on the whole it's unlike anything I've ever attempted to tackle and it's such a shame its shortcomings are so prominent after extended play.  [6], but still an experience that's going to leave one hell of a lasting impression.